In the Battle of the Sexes, No One Wins

Cooperation over Competition

Life is not a Marvel comic and you are not a superhero.

Sorry to burst your bubble.

Living a Lie

The gap between who we are and who we think we are is growing and we, as a society, seem blissfully unaware of the disparity. We indulge our illusions at our own peril.

I could go down so many rabbit holes with this topic, from so-called American Exceptionalism to the changing definitions of words but, for now, I’m going to use gender as an example - specifically the female gender because it’s what I know.

Women can do anything men can do!!!

Really?

As women, we’re encouraged by mantras that spur us forward, even into perilous situations. We’re told that women can do anything men can do - until we can’t…

When we can’t, the requirements get lowered, sacrificed on the altar of illusion.

After which, we pass the test and shout even louder…

See??!

Women can do anything men can do!!!

Except we didn’t actually do it. We insisted everyone else become weaker so we could feel stronger while, in reality, the only thing that became stronger was the illusion.

I don’t say this to demean women. I am a woman - a strong woman - and I know women stronger than me. I know a woman who climbed Mt. Everest; I know a woman who swam the English Channel in winter using meditative techniques to keep her body warm and stay alive.

There are seriously amazing women out there doing seriously amazing things!

And yet, I can’t do any of those things and I’m guessing you can’t either. Perhaps you could if you were determined and trained and really focused, fearless and strong. Well, are you? Because I’m not. And I know I’m not.

Still, I’m told I can do anything a man can do.

When we trick ourselves into believing these fantastic mantras, we do ourselves a disservice in the long run. We do our society a disservice when we imagine we are capable instead of training to be capable, and we put ourselves in harm’s way when we believe we can do things that our bodies simply cannot do.

We see the same effect in schools when children are taught toward standardized tests. They pass the tests with flying colors and then experience a reality check in the real world when they can’t even count change.

They’ve earned gold stars demonstrating their mental prowess within the public school system only to be dismayed after graduation when no one wants to hire them.

The female soldier who sails through her basic training requirements - requirements that have been lowered to met her abilities - will still need to carry the same 152 lbs. of equipment into battle as her male counterparts.

An M4 doesn’t weigh any less for a female than it does for a male.

An average Marine Corps infantry officer should to be physically able to carry 152 lbs. for nine miles.

Popular Mechanics: The Overloaded Soldier: Why U.S. Infantry Now Carry More Weight Than Ever , Dec. 26, 2018

At what point in battle will she discover that she was lied to? At what point will she realize that maybe she can’t do everything her male counterparts can do?

And why would she want to anyway?

The Lie We’re Sold

In the 1980’s movies like Working Girl were very popular. Melanie Griffith strutted around in her pants suit and heels dreaming of conquering NYC, smashing the glass ceiling that kept her from enjoying all the finer things hoarded by the Boys’ Club.

The huge shoulder pads were pivotal, as was the big hair, assuring women would at least take up more space in the conference rooms, if nothing else.

And before Melanie won the privilege of climbing the corporate ladder, Dolly Parton, Lilly Tomlin and Jane Fonda fought the same battle against their sexist boss, Dabney Coleman. To prove they could run the company better than he could, they drugged him, kidnapped him, tied him up and tortured him…

Double-standards don’t matter when you’re fighting for equality.

#girlpower?

These films and many others shared one common denominator: animosity toward the opposite sex. Today, that feeling has been amplified and men are often seen as disposable, unnecessary and even “toxic”.

The pendulum has swung too far.

I’m not saying that the Battle of the Sexes is completely unwarranted. I’m not denying inequality exists in many areas. I’m just not sure what we, as women, have really gained from trying to take the place of men.

I know this: The IRS has gained 50% more tax revenue since women joined the workforce… but surely that can’t be the reason more women were encouraged to go to work, can it?

Never mind. That sounds like some kooky conspiracy theory that could never possibly be true.

But really, the shoulder pads? Wanting to become soldiers? I always thought it was kind of a trade off: I give birth, you go to war. Now women do both… that’s winning?

At the root, these gender wars bother me because they create discord instead of harmony. They’re destructive instead of constructive.

If our own strengths as women are so valuable, why the need to “beat men at their own game”? Why even play their game? Doesn’t doing so belittle the strength and power that is inherently a woman’s?

When women try to imitate men, aren’t we really telling the world that being a woman isn’t enough?

Women and men are not the same, but we’re all equally valuable. We have different traits and characteristics for a reason.

Put another way, if a cheetah had an inferiority complex and wanted to seem strong, the cheetah could pretend to be a bear, yet the cheetah would never be as strong as the bear because the cheetah is not a bear. Meanwhile, the cheetah would never realize how fast it could run because it was too busy trying to be a bear.

The world doesn’t need more bears. Nothing is to be gained by adding bears - even fake bears.

This world needs cheetahs to be cheetahs. In a world without cheetahs, there is no balance.

Reality Check

I suppose I got off on a tangent there with the cheetahs and bears, but believing you’re something you’re not can lead you to devalue the skills you actually have.

Discovering the truth of your limitations can be disheartening and even dangerous, depending on the circumstances.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my own limitations as our temperatures begin to plummet and ice compacts on the roads. I don’t go to town often in winter (maybe once a week) but when I do, this is my drive (edited for brevity).

There’s only a dusting of snow in this video but you can imagine what the drive is like mid-winter. We take a snowmobile for the first two miles to our truck and then drive another 12 miles into town.

Sometimes part of the road is plowed. Sometimes it’s not.

We’ve had a pretty mild winter thus far but things are beginning to get serious. This morning we woke to -17F degrees (that’s -27C) with 23mph winds. Factoring wind chill, it felt like -43F.

At these temperatures, exposed skin can develop frostbite in as little as ten minutes.

Like I said, understanding your limitations can mean the difference between life and death. It’s important to be realistic about what you can actually do.

Growth and Discovery

Over the past several years living off grid, I’ve discovered limitations I didn’t know I had. I’ve unearthed fears I didn’t realize were inside me. Some struggles I’ve faced head-on while others still cause me anxiety.

When I was younger, I think I was braver. Maybe I just didn’t understand risk the same way I do now. I also probably did a lot of magical thinking, but there was a lot I didn’t know.

I took chances - some paid off, some didn’t.

I took my sons to live in the Mediterranean without knowing anyone there; I went back to college and graduated when I was 40; I started my own business (twice), and I moved across the country without knowing a soul.

I’m no wallflower.

Nowadays, though, I’m beginning to develop a better sense of things I cannot do, and I’m learning to accept limitations.

Maybe age is to blame, or perhaps living closer to nature has given me more perspective of Life and my small place in it.

Death is everywhere here. On a regular basis we come across bones in the woods and coyote scat in the road full of fur from whatever creature fed it.

There’s hope, too, as small as a fly. Once frozen to the porch screen for days, the fly becomes suddenly animated by the warmth of the sun. And birds… what a mystery that they stay alive in the midst of this harsh cold. Life is fragile but Life finds a way…

Then, sometimes, it doesn’t.

Are we so different from the animals who eat and breathe, who mate and bleed, who struggle and die? They’re born and fade out silently without funerals, without parades.

Without superhuman strength.

It’s our society that lets us forget how fragile life is, lulling us into a false sense of empowerment that we may or may not possess. Society acts as the buffer between who we are and who we imagine ourselves to be.

It supports the fantasy that we can do anything and that everything will be alright.

Status quo is maintained with this lie.

The illusion of being strong keeps people weak. The illusion of being free keeps us in chains.

Authentic Strengths

Today is a perfect day to stay by the fire’s warmth and yet John is outside.

With time on his hands this winter, John took a role in town delivering meals to people who can no longer get out.

Going out in -17F temps is not something I would do so I questioned whether he really had to. Through layers of wool and a helmet, he answered:

“If I don’t go, they don’t eat.”

Can’t argue with that.

I watched from the window for the snowmobile to leave and when too much time had passed, I bundled up, too, and went out to check on him.

The snowmobile was too cold to start but after a few back and forths with the battery charger, he had it going and was off.

-43F wind chill? No big deal.

I truly admire that John’s not intimidated to drive in snow or put snow chains on, even in the worst weather. He doesn’t get fazed if a battery dies or there’s a downed tree across the road. He doesn’t panic when our truck starts sliding backward down our steep driveway… he just handles it. He’s a bear.

Meanwhile, I kinda freak out.

I’m no bear.

You’re not going to see me chopping down trees or plowing the road. I’m not digging trenches or installing a wind turbine 30’ in the air while standing on the tractor bucket, but all these things have to be done to make life possible out here.

I’m not saying women can’t do these things when they have to…

Yet telling women - especially girls - that women in general can do anything a man can do misdirects our energies away from the strengths that are inherently ours. It teaches us to value masculine strengths above our own. It teaches us that if we want to be strong, we need to emulate men.

Wrong.

I believe one of the reasons we’ve been successful living off grid is that we fully embrace our own particular skill sets. We don’t try to out-do each other. We cooperate.

Even now, while pipes in town are freezing, John and I have hot running water, plenty of power and all the food we could ever eat. We’re cozy.

If I had spent the summer chopping wood and John had preserved food, we’d be very cold and hungry right now.

Of course, I know women who chop wood. They chop wood and butcher chickens then put them in the oven to bake while they’re repairing their tractor… Maybe these women are superheroes! But, honestly, how many women like this do you know?

Exactly.

I look forward to the day when neither men nor women feel the need to compete against one another; instead we embrace our distinct skills and use them to help one another live more richly.

Whatever you decide to put your energy toward, don’t do it to spite the other gender or to push someone else out of the way.

Do it because in your heart of hearts, you want to do it - for you.